CONFIDENCE – Part 4 – Chill

“If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you…”

This is one of my favorite lines of poetry. It is from Rudyard Kipling’s “IF.” I strongly recommend you read and re-read the entire poem. It’s not very long, but it is powerful. It tells you all the things you need to do to be a MAN. But in this chapter we will focus on the “keeping your head” part, or as I call it, “The Art of the Chill.”

There is something very intoxicating in stillness. There is a surety, a serenity, and a suspicion of power. There is something very attractive and sexy about it as well. So much strength lies in being able to control your impulses and be the unflappable center of the chaos around you, unaffected by it, above it, yet completely aware of all that is happening. In times like these, people will turn to you for guidance. You will be ipso facto a leader. So…

When in doubt, Chill…


Have you ever heard the other side of the chill equation stated thusly, “When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout…?” Well, I sure did. My dad used to say it all the time. I hated it. I know he was trying to be funny, but it really wasn’t. My father was no leader, I got to see the opposite side; victimhood.

Everything was a conspiracy, even if an innocent waitress mistakenly shorted us by 20 cents, she meant to do it, by God! Everything that happened was out of his control. So he was personally offended when things didn’t go his way. He never stopped for a moment to think how his actions were being viewed by his family and all those around him that he was dragging down.

I never forgot the “Anti” lessons he taught me. I saw how things were to NOT be done and happily I can say that I have gone the other way. Though it was not easy ridding myself of such unmanly ways of behaving, I did finally shake it off and move forward in a positive direction. I know he never meant to be a downer and a negative influence, but that is what happened. And you need to be aware of what your actions are saying about you.

If you have this inner turmoil, it will outwardly show itself. And it is not attractive. A prime example; we have all had the misfortune of standing in long lines. All of us. It happens. But there’s always that one twitchy, annoying guy in line, exasperated by every little thing. He’s huffing and puffing, making crude remarks, as he is so important, and is being completely inconvenienced.

He is not doing a damn thing except letting everyone around him know he’s a whiny little bitch and making them all uncomfortable. No woman likes that! Especially if the guy doing it is her date and/or mate! So do a little soul searching and make sure that you are not that guy.

Realize that sometimes things are out of your control.

We discussed your foundation in the Kai Zen piece earlier (HERE and HERE). You lay the foundation with knowledge, you build the walls with commitment; to yourself and those around you…

If you have to wait in line, have a delayed flight, etc., take that extra time as a gift. Use it to relax; do a little meditation, send a short flirty text, or do some much needed Kegel exercises (discreetly, seriously, trust me on this…).

Remember the old adage, “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do with it that counts.” You are only in control of you. Don’t huff and puff and make a general impotent ass of yourself. Command yourself to be cool when things get tense.  Not only will you look better, you will keep your head screwed on straight when you need it most. And that screams masculinity.

There’s another thing to be aware of here and that is good old Restless Leg Syndrome. Look around wherever you are in a public space. You will probably see at least one guy sitting with woman and one of his legs will be bouncing up and down like a crack addled kangaroo.

Believe me, gentlemen, the lady notices it. This is a minute self-soothing action, but it certainly looks like a freaky nervous tick and it’s a bit scary. You need to be aware of this when it happens. And knock it off! You must cultivate the art of being still, especially in this crazy world we are living in today.


A perfect example of composure was Mayor Rudy Giuliani when the Towers fell. He was calm, cool, and in control; exactly what the city and the country needed. He was a leader, plain and simple.

He stated, “Make yourself calmer than you feel, force yourself to pretend you’re calm and you’ll be able to figure out how to get out of there if you remain calm. So I kept reminding myself of that. I was in charge, I was the person they were looking to and if I lost it they all would. I would have to say to myself, ‘You’ve got to remain calm, you’ve got to stay focused.’”

As MEN, we need to strive to be more like that in times of stress. Take control of yourself, keep your cool, mind your body and attitude. Realize that other people see you and women will notice if you are in control or not.

Be the calm, serene, center of the storm, especially when your lady is having a meltdown. This will happen, believe me. Most of the time, it isn’t you causing this. She is venting and she needs you to be her rock.

Be reassuring and calm. Never attempt to meet her fire with yours. It will only escalate into a damaging typhoon of screaming and misunderstanding. Be level headed, stay centered, listen to her words and what she needs, and she will stop shortly. She will also respect you more for having been her anchor when she needed you most.

By staying calm, you will cultivate an aura of silent strength. There is absolutely no down side to being cool in stressful times. Use it to your advantage to become a much stronger MAN on the inside, watchful and observant.

You will start to notice all the little nervous ticks other guys are sabotaging themselves with. And then you will smile a little smile to yourself, because you are truly a MAN that can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs.


Go On, Be Strong

Spike Spencer, the Dating Sage

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